The Singing Life

I've been studying voice now for over 2 years, maybe even 3 by now. I'll admit that I've improved immensely in tone, quality, and confidence in those years, but recently I've noticed something...something that bothers me. I don't love singing any less, but there are days that I dread actually having to go to my lesson. It's not even the money that I spend to do it (well, it's partly that). It's more that I spend quite a bit of my time justifying my life outside of music to my teacher. There are times that she questions why I would want to go to school, why I can't just take a day off to fill a lesson spot for her, or why I don't drop $100 on a ticket to the opera since I've never been. I suppose if music were my life, I might be willing to do all that, but I'm not foolish enough to believe that I can make it in this world as a singer alone. I still need a real job, which comes with very real commitments.

Singing is my love...it's what keeps me going some days honestly, but it can't be my life. I have other interests, other loves, other commitments to myself, to the people around me, and to real life. I've never been able to get her to understand that. She smiles and nods and says she understands, but there's something in her eyes that tells me different. Last night I had to tell her that I was scaling back my lessons, so that I could make the car payment on the new car I desperately needed. She complained briefly, said I was at that stage where she needed me to be there every week, asked if my father could help me out, and when I said no, she backed off...sort of. She did the smile and nod thing, but also added little jibes throughout the lesson that I really needed the practice that lessons every week would provide. There was even a veiled threat that I might not be able to perform with the studio as much.

I know that I would improve faster with lessons every week, and I struggled very hard with the decision to scale back. Singing truly does make me happy, and it's very difficult to give up a part of what makes you happy for something you need. I don't want to be bitter about it though, and if all I'll hear from now on from her is "you could be improving so much better if you were here every week," I'm afraid I'll get bitter really quick. How do you hang on to something you love, when the person teaching you, who you've come to trust with this precious thing, is pushing you away from it?