I HAVE A JOB!! A real one, with regular hours, and benefits even! I can hardly express how happy I am about finally being able to go back to work for real. Not that the two jobs I've been working recently aren't real, but you get the point.
So, maybe it's time to reflect on the past two months. I will admit that I enjoyed bits and pieces of my unemployment, but clearly not as much as I would have if I'd actually had money to do stuff with. I was able to get settled in my new apartment, explore a bit of my new neighborhood, and spend some quality time with my fuzzy companion. I will cherish the mornings she and I spent in the rocking chair in our sunroom; me sipping my freshly made coffee and her purring joyously on my lap. I think that will have to remain a weekend tradition now.
I got to experience the Newberry Library for the first time in my tenure here in Chicago, something I've wanted to do for quite a while. After the severely annoying experience of being told I could not enter the University of Chicago Library to do research, the laid back, peaceful atmosphere of the Newberry just warmed the cockles of my academic heart. I sat comfortably in a large, old-fashioned reading room, with the sun pouring in on me, gazing at the bright yellow leaves on the trees outside the window. Oh yeah, and I did some studying too.
My time off has also taught me a very valuable lesson: One can actually watch the Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter movies too much. Didn't think that was possible? Neither did I...but oh is it ever.
More importantly, the time off has taught me a lot about myself. The last couple of years have been a whirlwind...I got divorced, got a new job, moved (twice, not including the most recent relocation), lost that new job, joined a band, and kept on going to school. I have been scared out of mind, wondering if I could actually find a new job before I went completely broke, overwhelmed by the stress and uncertainty of it all. Being unemployed forced me to be alone with myself, to really think about what's actually going on in my head and why. I've had to take a good hard look at how I react to things, why I take them personally, and why I make them worse, as I am warrant to do on occasion. My rosy disposition never applies to my own life. I'm always ready to tell someone else to hang in there, things will get better, etc., but I don't believe it for myself. Now I know why. I expect too much of myself, way too much. I have trouble being justifiably upset about something going wrong, without internalizing it, without somehow making it my fault.
Then there's the issue of loneliness. The mere thought of missing Thanksgiving with my family this year (for the first time ever) was enough to reduce me to a sobbing emotional mess. Why? It's not like my family will stop loving me if I don't come home. It's not like Thanksgiving is this huge holiday where we do all this special stuff. It's just a day like any other. So, what's my problem? I'm lonely. Not the "I need a man" kind of lonely, but something else. I want to be someplace where people will love me no matter how stupid I act, no matter how badly things go. But the realization I've come to is that I already have that, if I'm just willing to see it (yeah, I know...this would be what one could call a big "duh" moment). The truth is that I can't depend on my family or anyone else, for that matter, to give that kind of comfort to me. I have to create it for myself. I have to be happy with myself no matter how stupid I act, how wrong things go, or how much time I spend on my own. So, this Thanksgiving I will make my own tradition. I'll go to the Thanksgiving Day Parade on State Street in Chicago; I'll make a small turkey dinner for me and my kitty to share; and she and I will cuddle by the fireplace watching the Charlie Brown and Garfield Thanksgiving specials (whether she likes it or not). Mostly though, I'll just be.
